Resources
     Life Skills Information

Managing Stress

Compiled by Joan Cook, MC., LMFT

 Stress, it’s any change you must adjust to; it’s part of life. To face stressful events in more healthy    ways, we must learn to let go of stressful ways of thinking and responding. There are a number of    positive things we can learn that will help us relax.

 Types of stress: 

• Short term:  temporary, acute, increases to intense but short-lived.

           Example: spilled milk, lost keys, long lines

• Long term: constant, unrelenting pressure leads to feeling drained & unending. 

           Example: illness, care for household, elderly parent.

 3 keys to manage stress:

      1.  Know your reaction: physical, mental, and behavioral.

      2.  Identify your sources or triggers: what makes you react.

      3. Change your response: it’s the power tool to combat stress.

 First, you must recognize your current reactions:

      1.  Physical: headaches, muscles tighten, stomach knots, heart races, skin breaks out;

            Long term stress leads to worsens health, increases health vulnerability, longer recovery

      2.  Mental: decreased concentration, impatience, worry & anxiety, sleeplessness.

            Impacts thoughts and emotions

      3.  Response: yelling, crying, withdrawing, over eating, drinking, smoking, drugs

 Identify your stressors: 

1. Minor: little things that can build up over time; seem bigger when long term.
2. Major: job loss, divorce, moving, loss of loved one, even a wedding or baby.
3. Overload: exhausted juggling work, kids, bills, etc.  Feel out of control.
4. Helplessness: feeling no control over your life, this can lead to depression.

 Change your responses:

 Your thought and actions lead to changed outcomes.  You are the only one you can change.

1. Have realistic expectations:  What are your expectations? How likely are they to be met? How can you work with other outcomes?
2. What you CAN change:  your perspective

           Be flexible, look for answers:  example stuck in traffic - call ahead

     3.  Break big problems down to manageable tasks. 

           Take smaller steps that can be completed.

     4.  Stay focused on the goal.

           Learning to change takes time; there will be stumbles.

 Positive lifestyle:

      1.   Set boundaries, limits & priorities: with work, home, children, community

      2.   Ask for support: family, friends, professionals

      3.   With children: they sense your stress; ask them about their stresses too.

      4.   Give to your community or church

             Get involved in giving to others

 Develop your support system: 

      1.  Friends who can listen and talk with you

      2.  Family knows you best, and combat loneliness and helplessness

      3.  Professionals, you may need to contact them when stress won’t go away: pastor,

            counselor, doctor

 Activities to reduce stress:

      1.  Walk, or do other aerobic exercise for 20 minutes, 3 times weekly

      2.  Stretch to loosen tight muscles

      3.  Deep breathing: inhale, hold 3 seconds; exhale slowly through your mouth.

 Relaxation:

      1.  Calm your mind: with a peaceful visualization-a mental vacation:

      2.  Picture self relaxed on the beach, hear the waves, feel the sun, feet in the sand. 

      3.  Let muscle groups feel heavy with relaxation.

 Good self-care reduces stress: 

      1.  Rest as well as sleep, quiet music

      2.  Healthy diet, with fruits and veggies, limit sugar caffeine, junk foods and alcohol

      3.  Regular exercise at least 3 times weekly to ease tensions.

      4.  Allow personal time for fun: a hike, a bath, a movie, a book etc.

 Stress is a fact of life but does not have to a lifestyle.  Find the stress reducing combination that      what works for you and do it often.  You can feel better.

 From: A Guide to Managing Stress, published by Krames a MediMedia USA Company

 and The Relaxation & Stress Reduction Workbook, by Davis, Eshelman, & McKay

Reducing Anxiety

Compiled by Joan Cook, MC., LMFT

Many things contribute to anxiety. These tips will reduce it's disruptive potential.

CHANGE DIET:

Reduce the use of caffeine, sugar, and alcohol. Increase fruit, vegetables, whole grains, low fat dairy, fish and legumes. Limit beef and pork.

CHANGE ACTIVITIES:

Increase regular aerobic exercise; eat 6 small meals daily; drink 64 oz. of water daily; take a multivitamin.

CHANGE YOUR SLEEPING:

Arise at the same time daily; go to bed when sleepy (no TV at bedtime). If wakeful, leave the bedroom, read Bible, pray, write concerns, a plan of action, until sleepy.

CHANGE YOUR THINKING:

"You will know the truth and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32)

Replace these distorted thoughts with biblical truths:

a. All or nothing thinking: anything short of absolutely perfect equals failure.

b. Overgeneralization: a single negative event equals never ending pattern of defeat.

c. Disqualifies the positive: discounts positive experiences, but holds to negative beliefs.

d. Mind reading: assuming you know what another is thinking, instead of asking.

e. Jumping to conclusions: negative interpretation without convincing support.

f. Magnification/minimization: enlarge/shrink importance of an item to look good.

g. "Should" statements: used to motivate by guilt, produces resentment/frustration.

h. Emotional reasoning: assume negative feelings equal factual reality.

i. Labeling: extreme over generalizing, "I'm/He's a loser" based on a minor error.

j. Personalization: sees self as cause of external events you're not responsible for.

PREVENTING ANXIETY:

• Invest time with encouraging, positive, supportive people.

• Develop a plan of action for upcoming, important events.

• In choosing God's best, we may have to say no, even to good things.

• In terms of eternity what difference does this make? Is this just important, not urgent?

• Even Christ didn't "do it all", but did "the work you gave me to do." (John 17:4)

PRACTICE RELAXATION:

• Use deep muscle relaxation by tensing, holding, and then releasing muscles.

• Use deep abdominal breathing.

• Visualize God's peaceful presence inviting you to rest in Him. (Matt. 11:28)

• Memorize Philippians 4:6-7.

Depression: Symptoms And Treatment
Prepared by Nancy Saggio, M.A.

Depression can affect people of any age, from children, to adolescents, to adults, to the geriatric population. This summary will focus primarily on manifestations and treatment in the adult population. Symptoms of depression may include a change in sleeping patterns, a change in eating patterns, loss or gain of weight in a short period of time, sadness, loss of motivation, loss of interest in things the person used to enjoy, difficulty concentrating, and social isolation. It may also include what is called the "depressive triad." That is a negative view of themselves, others, and the future. Thus an increase in irritability, and a loss of hope that may lead to suicidal thoughts and gestures.

One of the most clearly presented cases of depression in the Bible is found in I Kings 19. The Prophet Elijah had just won a major victory for the One True God, against the prophets of Baal. Then he receives a threat from Queen Jezebel that sends him on the run. The effects of depression in Elijah are manifested physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. He is exhausted. He despairs of his life and wishes to die. He has a negative view of himself, "Take my life, I am no better than my ancestors." He has irrational beliefs, "I am the only one left," and a negative view of the Israelites as well as his enemies. God treats every aspect of Elijah's depression:

Thorough treatment for a person who is depressed will minister to the person physically, emotionally, socially, mentally, and spiritually. The depressed person must be checked by a medical doctor for any physical causes for the depression. They also must be evaluated for medication that can help relieve the depression. If the depression is severe, and has continued for several months, medication is usually recommended.

The depressed person should seek some sort of counseling, perhaps pastoral, lay counseling, or professional counseling. The person must begin to talk about what is happening with them, and connect with another person who understands, accepts, and cares about them. The counselor should help the person identify and evaluate how they are thinking, and how their thinking affects their mood and behavior. Changing our thinking to be more in line with truth will go a long way to relieve depression and its effects. This may include Bible study, as this is our ultimate source of Truth.

Prayer for the person who is suffering is one of the Biblical commands as seen in James 5:16. Prayer is a powerful tool for healing every aspect of the person. The kind of prayer that is mentioned in this passage of scripture involves prayer with another believer, in particular the leaders of the church. It is not the isolated prayer in our "prayer closet." A depressed person may feel that his or her prayers go no further than the ceiling, and connecting with God may seem impossible. Our fellow Christian brothers and sisters are vital in helping us to heal, and remain healthy.

If you or someone you know seems to fit these criterion, helping them to get help may be the most loving thing you can do for them or for yourself.

Grief & Loss
Paraphrased and summarized from Minirth, Meier & Arterburn's "Complete Life Encyclopedia"

People experience sorrow and pain at the loss of someone or something that has been very important to them. Christians are not exempt from this pain, though we do have a hope to strengthen us through life's losses (I Thessalonians 4:13). Whether it be the loss of a loved one through death, illness, or divorce, or the loss of health, home, income, or hopes and dreams, we suffer the loss.

Grief takes us through varying reactions or stages. Those are:

What is healthy grief?

Healthy grieving is eventually passing through these stages, and not getting stuck in one. Several factors influence how intense our grief reaction may be. It may depend on:

What are some healthy ways we can move through the grieving process?

Suggestions for helping others through loss:

Biblical Priciples For Healthy Living

The Bible contains all the principles for living an effective life with healthy relationships. What we thing and believe determines how we live. Here are some of the basics.

Eph. 4:23  Be made new in the attitude of your minds in true righteousness and holiness.

Eph. 4:15  Speak the truth in love.

Eph. 4:26  In your anger, do not sin.

James. 1:19  ...Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry.

I John. 1:9  If we confess our sins, ...[God] will forgive us our sins.

Eph 4:32  Forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Mark. 11:25  ...forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins

Eph. 4:32  Be kind and compassionate to one another,

Matt. 7:12  So in everything, do to others as you would have them to do to you...

Eph. 4:2-3  Be completely humble and gentle; be patient,

Rom. 12:16  Live in harmony with one another.

Rom. 12:18  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Gal. 5:13  ...serve one another in love.

Eph. 5:21  Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Eph. 6:2  Honor your father and mother.

Eph. 6:4  Fathers, do not exasperate your children;

Rom. 14:13  Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another.

Rom. 15:7  Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you...

Parent Survival Lines
Compiled by Joan Cook, MC, LMFT

1. "This is not a discussion, it's a decision."

2. "Do it, then we'll discuss it."

3. "If you need an answer now, it's NO. If you give me time to think, we'll see."

4. "What part of NO do you not understand?"

5. "You don't have to like it, you just have to do it."

6. "I love YOU, I don't like what you're DOING."

7. "Whenever,...it needs to be done before...(next privilege)."

8. "Was that a good choice?" Did it get you what you want: For now or for long term? What did you learn?

9. "What I love most about this report card is it's yours, not mine."

10. "Seeing is believing."

11. "God never promised life was going to be fair."

12. " I trust what I SEE, not just what I hear."

13. The PARROT LINE: Repeat the same phrase, using the same tone of voice. Eventually they'll believe that's the final word.

14. "I'm sorry you feel that way."

15. "You're a powerful person. I know you'll make a decision you want to live with."

16. "If you're in trouble, I'd rather hear it from you first."

17. "If I'd known then what I know now, I'd have done it differently."

Preventative Maintenance: Parenting Skills
Compiled by Joan Cook, MC, LMFT

Parents are on the front line of preparing the future of our society. How we interact and shape our children will have more long lasting affects than any other endeavor we undertake. Here are the essential elements to invest in the building of tomorrow's adults.

1. Build RELATIONSHIPS through communication.
Rules without relationship leads to rebellion. Rules - relationship = rebellion.

2. LISTEN, to their actions as well as words. Seek to understand their perspective.

3. Set clear, firm RULES that you will consistently enforce, and hold children RESPONSIBLE for their actions.

4. MODEL behaviors you want followed; it's the most powerful tool.

Parents are powerful. They control most of the things teens want/need: car, money, TV, phone, privileges, etc. As you use these power tools wisely, you'll help your teen mature. People are for loving; things are for using. Hurt people, hurt people. If life kicks, a teen may feel right to kick back. If life's been fair and respectful, he's likely to respond in kind.









Preparing Kids for Potential Crisis

1. Initiate open discussion of life's uncertainties.

2. Take time to listen to each child's feelings and concerns, your goal is to understand. "Listen" to behaviors and feelings.

3. Be calm; normalize concerns, affirm the child.

4. Give honest, age appropriate answers.

5. Discuss options and plans with them. Inform them of preparations and practice them (like a fire drill).

6. Keep normal routines and schedules. The familiar is reassuring.

7. Limit exposure to overwhelming information. Be aware of television pictures, conversations, and varying points of view.

8. Review with them John 14:27: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."










Nice Ways To Say "No"
Edited by Joan Cook, MC, LMFT

Saying NO is every person's prerogative, and it need not seem harsh or unkind.

One suggestion is to begin with a compliment: "I'm so glad you asked. I really admire your organization, but my schedule just won't allow me to accept your offer."

"There's no one I'd rather have lunch with." Or, "Jim and I always have a wonderful time at your parties, so I'm really sorry we can't make it."

"You are such a fair boss that I know you wouldn't assign this if you didn't think I could handle it, but I really am overloaded."

"That's an excellent offer, but we're not in a position to take advantage of it right now."

"Good idea, but I'm afraid we have to pass on it for the time being."

Another is to take time before you say no, this can soften your answer: "Let me think about it."

"I'm going to need some time on that."

"I'd love to say yes, but I can't right off the bat. Give me some time to see if I can work something out."

"I'll be back to you in 15 minutes." This way the employee appreciates knowing that you've taken the request seriously.

There is always the straightforward approach: "It just won't work for us." Like the old adage says, "Never apologize. Never explain."

"I just can't fit it in right now."

"I'm afraid I have to let it go at that."

"If I say yes, it wouldn't be good for you, so I have to say no."

And don't forget the "I'm sorry you have that problem" approach: "Hey, that's tough. I hope you can find an answer." Or, "If you're asking whether we can put you up, I'm afraid we won't be able to that weekend."

Other ways include: "I suppose you think I say no just because I'm mean. Well it's true."
"That's just not something I do."

You always have the right to say no. You have the right to protect your own time and interests and assets. And you are seldom obliged to explain. Saying no need not be rude.










Watch Your Language
Adapted by Joan Cook, MC, LMFT

Be aware of the power of your words. What we say and how we say it reflects our value for the other person. Here's some language information to help you in conveying the message you want to communicate.

The LANGUAGE OF RESPECT reflects love, care, dignity and respect. It seeks first to understand their perspective by investigating what the other thought and understood. It uses "I" not "you" statements. It's designed to explore issues in a non-threatening environment where learning can occur. It asks instead of tells or demands.

Typical phrases include:
1. "What, when, where did it happened?"
2. "How did that make you feel?"
3. "What did you say or do?"
4. "If it happens again, will you respond in the same way?"
5. "What would you like me to do?"
6. "What was your understanding of the situation?"
7. "Let me be sure I understood what you meant."
8. "Please, Thank you."

The LANGUAGE OF DISRESPECT talks at, to or for another, makes them feel dumb, foolish, impotent, and inadequate. These threatening responses are often designed to demean, and create hostility and aggression.

Typical phrases include:
1. "Did you, do you, don't you, can't you, are you, aren't you?"
2. "How many times do I have to tell you?" (only safe response is "I don't know.)
3. "Why can't you ever...?"
4. "How come you never...?"
5. "Surely you realize..."
6. "You're old enough to understand..."
7. "You never..."
8. "You always..."